I have something to tell you...

I’m queer. 

To recognize and celebrate National Coming Out Day, I am coming out to the world.

“Queer” can mean something different to each person who holds the identity. But here’s my definition of queer: it is my wicked ability to love many people along and outside of the gender spectrum. Sexuality and gender come in many forms. Much like one’s style in clothing or taste in music can change, so can one’s sexuality or gender. And gosh, my sexuality and gender sure have changed, and continue to change a lot. I have learned to embrace my queerness in all its forms. 

In fact, I’m a femme-queer-lesbian (FQL). Yeah, I made that up (with another FQL friend of mine), because I can, and because I don’t feel like the other labels completely fit me. I get to define myself, and so do you. I am primarily and mostly attracted to women (hence the lesbian identity), but I find myself attracted to other genders as well. So within the dominant culture AND the lesbian community, my sexuality is quite queer.

I argue that within the lesbian community, my gender is quite queer as well. I think my gender is what took me so long to explore and figure out my sexuality. Growing up, the world told me that lesbians “look” a certain way—short hair, T-shirts, loose-fitting jeans—and well, I didn’t “look” that way. (But gosh, those girls sure are cute!) I like to wear dresses, skirts, tights, heels and make-up. The world didn’t tell me that lesbians could look like me too. So I grew up, like TONS of other people, never questioning heterosexuality. I remember in high school openly identifying as “bi-curious,” but never gave it much thought as to what that meant to me. I never thought, even for a minute, that I might be gay. And as it turns out, I’m super gay. SUPER gay. There are so many lesbians whose gender presentation is similar to mine, and I wonder if they’ve had similar experiences.

I certainly occupy a lot of privilege in the world because of my gender performance/presentation; but within the queer community, a lot of times, I am invisible. To most the queer community and non-queer community, I am typically not perceived as “queer.” Like I said, this has brought me a lot of privileges, but it has also brought me a lot of struggles. I always have to use my voice and my words to “come out.” And this can be scary and tiring. Other femmes and I have to create our space in the lesbian community. When I go out to gay bars, lesbians don’t approach me. It’s not because lesbians don’t find me attractive, but because I go unnoticed, or not recognized as one of them. I have never been approached by a woman interested in getting my number. Ask any of my butch-presenting lesbian friends, and they will have a different story. I want to be seen for who and what I am: QUEER. There are days I want to wear a rainbow flag on my forehead, so I don’t have to use my voice or my words to come out. There are days that I wish I had a woman to kiss in the middle of town, so I don’t have to use my voice or my words to come out.

I recognize that I hold a lot of privilege, and that most people have struggles within marginalized communities. My intent is not to minimize the struggles of others, but to tell my story about being queer.

There I am, all wrapped up, in a tiny box (ha!) —maybe not neatly, but I’m queer, so that’s totally ok. I’ve got a bow on top and arms outstretched, loving the shit outta human beings all around me. This FQL loves, loves, loves.

If you're in Chico, be sure to check out Coming Out for Art at RAYRAY Gallery tomorrow night! www.stonewallchico.org for more information.