I have something to tell you...

I’m queer. 

To recognize and celebrate National Coming Out Day, I am coming out to the world.

“Queer” can mean something different to each person who holds the identity. But here’s my definition of queer: it is my wicked ability to love many people along and outside of the gender spectrum. Sexuality and gender come in many forms. Much like one’s style in clothing or taste in music can change, so can one’s sexuality or gender. And gosh, my sexuality and gender sure have changed, and continue to change a lot. I have learned to embrace my queerness in all its forms. 

In fact, I’m a femme-queer-lesbian (FQL). Yeah, I made that up (with another FQL friend of mine), because I can, and because I don’t feel like the other labels completely fit me. I get to define myself, and so do you. I am primarily and mostly attracted to women (hence the lesbian identity), but I find myself attracted to other genders as well. So within the dominant culture AND the lesbian community, my sexuality is quite queer.

I argue that within the lesbian community, my gender is quite queer as well. I think my gender is what took me so long to explore and figure out my sexuality. Growing up, the world told me that lesbians “look” a certain way—short hair, T-shirts, loose-fitting jeans—and well, I didn’t “look” that way. (But gosh, those girls sure are cute!) I like to wear dresses, skirts, tights, heels and make-up. The world didn’t tell me that lesbians could look like me too. So I grew up, like TONS of other people, never questioning heterosexuality. I remember in high school openly identifying as “bi-curious,” but never gave it much thought as to what that meant to me. I never thought, even for a minute, that I might be gay. And as it turns out, I’m super gay. SUPER gay. There are so many lesbians whose gender presentation is similar to mine, and I wonder if they’ve had similar experiences.

I certainly occupy a lot of privilege in the world because of my gender performance/presentation; but within the queer community, a lot of times, I am invisible. To most the queer community and non-queer community, I am typically not perceived as “queer.” Like I said, this has brought me a lot of privileges, but it has also brought me a lot of struggles. I always have to use my voice and my words to “come out.” And this can be scary and tiring. Other femmes and I have to create our space in the lesbian community. When I go out to gay bars, lesbians don’t approach me. It’s not because lesbians don’t find me attractive, but because I go unnoticed, or not recognized as one of them. I have never been approached by a woman interested in getting my number. Ask any of my butch-presenting lesbian friends, and they will have a different story. I want to be seen for who and what I am: QUEER. There are days I want to wear a rainbow flag on my forehead, so I don’t have to use my voice or my words to come out. There are days that I wish I had a woman to kiss in the middle of town, so I don’t have to use my voice or my words to come out.

I recognize that I hold a lot of privilege, and that most people have struggles within marginalized communities. My intent is not to minimize the struggles of others, but to tell my story about being queer.

There I am, all wrapped up, in a tiny box (ha!) —maybe not neatly, but I’m queer, so that’s totally ok. I’ve got a bow on top and arms outstretched, loving the shit outta human beings all around me. This FQL loves, loves, loves.

If you're in Chico, be sure to check out Coming Out for Art at RAYRAY Gallery tomorrow night! www.stonewallchico.org for more information.

Think Outside the Pink

It is estimated that 1.3 million women are physically abused by an intimate partner each year (that’s not even counting women who experience emotional, sexual or financial abuse, or stalking by an intimate partner). Also keep in mind that intimate partner violence is severely underreported so 1.3 million is probably a very low number. The American Cancer Society estimates that 230,000 women will be affected by breast cancer in 2011.

So why is everyone so “aware” of breast cancer, but not domestic violence? Why do you see more pink ribbons than purple ribbons? It’s not that I want people to ditch their pink ribbons for purple ribbons; but I do want people to be aware about the existence (and prevalence) of domestic violence. If only domestic violence got as much attention and awareness as breast cancer...

There’s secrecy associated with domestic violence. It’s something we don’t talk about, but it exists in 1 out of 4 relationships. That means if you know four couples, chances are, at least one set of them is experiencing intimate partner violence. When I say intimate partner violence, I mean a range of behaviors where a partner gains or maintains power and control over another partner. These abusive behaviors can include put-downs, stalking, name-calling, hitting, intimidation, threats, etc. We all know someone who is, or was, experiencing abuse by an intimate partner. And if you can’t think of one person you’ve known who is, or was, experiencing abuse by an intimate partner, then I’m sure you can think of at least one person who is in an unhealthy relationship.  

The sad reality is that a lot of us experience intimate partner violence, and most of us are affected by intimate partner violence in some way. If you’ve been affected by intimate partner violence (either by personal experience, or knowing someone close who has gone through it) then someone else in your space has most likely been affected by it as well. You are not alone. So talk it up! For Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I ask for you to talk about domestic violence. Speak out against domestic violence. Join causes working to end violence in your community. Ask your friend those important, hard questions when you suspect that person is being abused by an intimate partner. Learn how to best support and respond to someone experiencing intimate partner violence. DVAM is not meant to be the only time we talk about it, but it is meant to encourage and push for the start of the conversation.

And here’s what I have to say about breast cancer awareness month:

Breast cancer, if detected early, is almost always curable. If you’re thinking about giving money to breast cancer awareness, consider giving your money to your local women’s health care clinics such as Planned Parenthood (www.plannedparenthood.org) or the Feminist Women’s Health Centers of California (www.womenshealthspecialists.org), who provide affordable and accessible health care to women in your community, including breast cancer screenings. Women who do not have access to health care, particularly regular breast cancer screenings, are at a greater risk of finding breast cancer late, when it becomes life-threatening. My issue is that our society focuses on breast cancer treatment/research rather than ensuring that all women have access to health care. Certainly, the treatment for breast cancer is important, but if we focused as many resources into health care for all women as we give to research, I think we would have healthier women and less serious cases of breast cancer. I am supportive of women’s health care, which includes breast cancer screenings.

If you’d like to give money to domestic violence work, you can check out Catalyst Domestic Violence Services (www.catalystdvservices.org) or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-SAFE) to find and support a domestic violence agency in your area. Domestic violence agencies are also in need of wonderful volunteers.